Kind of a Depressing Day

The day really wasn't that depressing until I read that Heath Ledger died. I was not some obsessed fan and I will not be having a wake for him, but when someone dies who you thought was invincible-it is kind of mind boggling. He was 28 years old, one year older than me. Whether he killed himself or took too many pills, it doesn't matter. He was trying to drown whatever sorrow he was feeling by ending his life or taking enough sleep pills so that he would forget his life for several days...it's still sad.

I have also been feeling kind of down about my I. C. (see ic-network.com). I guess I will feeling sorry for myself. This chronic pain that i have day in and day out. This burning and pressure that I have and constant feeling that "I have to go to the bathroom" and then telling myself, "Wait a minute, no you don't really have to go. That's your IC." It's hard for people to understand who don't have it. They won't every understand how it feels to feel like you have a bladder infection all of the time, but antibiotics won't fix this. That you can't enjoy tomatoes, chocolate, soda, and the list goes on and on. All of this kind of makes me sad.

I am not trying to sound cliche or anything, but in all of this I realize that God understands my pain and even has a plan for all of it (though I can't seem to figure that one out). And like my pastor said, I need to lean harder into God instead of ignoring him or turning my back on him. When you are in physical pain that is really hard to do, but if one sparrow doesn't fall to the ground without God's knowing it, deep down I know he is watching over me and cares for me and there's a reason for it all.

Pilate's Crunch

Well I am officially in a Pilates crunch (no not literally). I have no desire to do it anymore and when I get home I try to find any excuse not to do my Pilates. Today I called John Mark and asked him if he would be upset if I didn't make mashed potatoes for him for dinner. I was half hoping he would say yes so that I wouldn't have to do Pilates. He said no, so I boiled him some potatoes anyway. I skipped on Monday because it was my birthday, but I tend to skip at least two days at a time, but the last time I skipped I went four days without doing Pilates. I guess I am not seeing the results I saw before I ate a TON of food at Christmas.

On the positive note tomorrow is Thursday and the next day is Friday. Woohoo!! Let me tell you I live for my Fridays. I usually rent the latest releases from Redbox. We sleep in late on Saturday and then usually go shopping on Saturday. This Saturday we are going to celebrate my birthday. We are going to go see 27 Dresses . We are either going to go out to Red Lobster for dinner or go to Chinese Buffet. I know I was just talking about not seeing the results of Pilates, but haven't been to a Chinese Buffet in months. I promise. We will also probably be taking back my birthday present that didn't fit me very well...I felt SO terrible, but it's the thought that counts, right?

Hey, Hey It's Saturday

So, it's Saturday. Actually the Saturday before my birthday, which is Monday. The big 2-7. Do I feel old? No not really. Everyone at work tells me I look like I'm 21. God bless those people. Usually we celebrate my birthday on the weekend before it (or which ever one is closer), but we can't really this weekend because 1) Jonathan is having his baby dedication and 2) John Mark abandoned me today for a UK basketball game. I can never ask off for my birthday because we can't ask off in January at my work-so in that way I feel kind of cursed, so we will celebrate next weekend, which works for me because I want to see "27 Dresses" and it doesn't come out until after my birthday. The positive thing about this weekend is my parents are coming in town so I will get to see them, but they are coming for baby Jonathan, not my birthday...well he is pretty cute:) Plus it's not like I'm turning 30 or anything-AUGHHHH! But if 40 is the new 30, I think I will be fine with turning 20 again...They are buying me dinner tonight for my birthday-so I guess it's a pre-birthday partial weekend, but we usually devote a whole day to seeing a movie I want to see and eating at a special place that I want to eat at (we do the same for JM's birthday)-so technically it is not a birthday weekend.

So what, pray tell, am I going to do with my lonely, isolated day? My goal is to actually work on my book. I find solitude is a good thing for writing. If John Mark was here I wouldn't consider writing anything because we usually go out on Saturdays. It is kind of eerily quiet, with the occasional car motor from outside, but I am a bit of a recluse and don't mind isolation that much. I just wrote several pages on New Years Day, but I'm not sure I like what I wrote-so I may have to re-visit them. The book is kind of at a turning point-I guess you would call that the climax in writing terms...though now that I'm older that doesn't sound quite right. Anyway, I'm at the important turning point for the character as far as her relationship with her best guy friend (well I know you've probably heard that plot before-but never with a mom who just had a double mastectomy! Don't worry that's not what happened to my mom. I am trying to be more dramatic. Besides, if that plot is good enough for Jane Austen-like Emma for example-then it is good enough for me!), but I'm not that far into the story of her mom's cancer...so somehow I will have to find a balance. Maybe they will ignore it for a month or two. Why I am telling all of this to the bloggersphere I don't really know myself. Maybe to actually force myself to actually do what I am going to do and write this friggin' book!!

So now I must exit and turn the internet off so I don't sit on here and surf it all day. Besides I need to get off of my butt and do Pilates.